im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
