Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
