I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
