I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
