If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
