You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
