i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
