how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
