I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
