He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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