if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
