I wish my penis had an off switch
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
