I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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