that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
