I didn't shave. On purpose
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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