shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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