i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
