Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
So squirting runs in the family.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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