Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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