Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
