and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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