are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
