Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
