The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
