I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Randomize
