Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
