nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
