This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
