I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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