How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
