i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
