Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
