my phone needs a breathalizer
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
