we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
