I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
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Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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