I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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