I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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