OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
