You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
