even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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