i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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