Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
