Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize