Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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