Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
