im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm having to shit out rocks
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
