why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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