It's Friday. Sex?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
