After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
