I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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