I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
