and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
