I'm going to jail i love you
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
