I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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