i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
