Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
