I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I believe in your delicious
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
