I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
